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All About Being a Millennial Mom!!!!!!

Being a mother has always been hard, but now, in the 21st century, us millennial moms are really out doing ourselves. We set the bar high! Because we want our kids to have the best, be the best, and receive the best.
To hell with just loving your kid and doing the best you can...that's the mark of a failure. You need to try harder. If you're a good mom, then you will make sure that your kids stay occupied and engaged with soccer and ballet, and socialization...but don't over-schedule them, and be sure to closely monitor their screen time.
It's also important to ensure that your kid is getting a balanced diet full of red meat, fruits, veggies, and probiotics. Milk isn't as good for them as we once thought, so take it easy on the chocolate shake shake.
Also, be sure to invest at least 5 of the 3 hours you actually see your offspring on weekdays, on extra academics... just school, is not enough. Our kids must do more, to be better!
Craft their projects, and always keep the ingredients for slime on hand.
Fila's, are not okay. Wal Mart is for poor people, and Target is for slightly less poor people. Nike has been replaced by Under Armour. Are you taking notes on all this, because you should be.
Your child should remain in a rear-facing car seat until age 10, and if you choose to put your kid forward facing before then, you're an idiot.
Don't be a helicopter mom, but don't be one of those checked-out mothers who allows their kid to roam the streets or walk to the grocery store a block away with her friends either. Cell phones are must, so that you can track them. The world isn't a safe place.
Now, more on their vaccinate or not vaccinate? Either one will get you shamed, so just toss a quarter. Breastfeed, or your selfish.
Also, you should understand that it's your job to throw awesomely themed birthday parties, with ponies, bouncy castles, custom decorations, expensive cakes and soufflés, an organic watermelon crafted into a shark or shopkin,  complete with spring water and smoothies to drink. A back yard bash with homemade cupcakes and Kool-Aid will not suffice...don't think it will. As far as gifts go, the newest version of iPhone is to be given at age 6... and for kids under 6, an iPad will that they can start getting their tech time in as soon as possible, ya know. Even though screen-time is bad and we know it... devices are necessary.
And another thing, your kid needs vitamins... kids are lacking nourishment these days, despite the fact that so many mothers are making conscious efforts to feed their children healthy non-GMO, non-gluten, non- dairy, low sugar, dye-free foods. If you don't know what GMOs and gluten are, then how the hell are you even a mother?
Every day during summer, should be spent poolside. Make sure you put sunblock on your child, but not just any sunblock, you gotta buy the expensive shit, with no added parabens, as to not cause cancer... or apply raw, organic coconut oil every 10 minutes. That's what I would do.
If you have a job, quit it...because your kid needs you. Not enough money to go around, then figure it out. Oh you stay home? Well, aren't you lucky, must be nice.
Judgement...being a millennial mom is all about judgement; can't forget that!
Don't over-medicate or under-medicate your child... Make sure your kid looks clean and stylin', but take it easy on the hair gel because it's bad for them, not to mention it will leave his hair crunchy and you will feel the need to have him wash it, but we all know that too many baths or showers during the week, can wash away the skin's natural oils, so figure out a way to balance that. I'm not sure which is better...a dirty kid, or a kid with dry skin? Hmmmm... so many choices as a millennial mom.
MOST OF ALL, when you become a mother, realize that your life is now over, and your very soul belongs to your kid! Exciting!
Craft with  for them,  admire them, and kiss their ass... or this mama gig, just ain't for you. As a millennial woman, you should know this. With all our efforts, perhaps our little Generation Zs will turn out to be perfectly able, capable, well-rounded, happy, un-entitled, wonderful people. I totally bet they will!
Happy Parenting my fellow millennial moms!


  1. Where did you get that sarcasm girl? You crack me up!

  2. Hi! Stopping by from Mom Bloggers Club. Great blog!
    Have a nice day!


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