Sometimes, I wish I was more shallow, less feel-y, and didn't have the overwhelming need to express myself.
But then again, I don't wish that. Because that's not me. I'm outspoken to a fault. Not about what you do with your life, but about my own. My soul just has the need to share.
I'm starting a new chapter...
My marriage has ended. Love hurts.
Happy times are beautiful, and wonderful. But it's the hard times that build character, that mold and shape you...the low blows, the scary twists, and the uncertainty. It's in those times of chaos and falling apart, that I have found myself.
I don't have any regrets.
I was meant to learn these lessons.
I've been a quitter. I have done and said things that I'm not proud of. I've been the abused, and the abuser. There were times I was so lost, and I didn't even know who I was.
There were moments when I was so broken inside, that I honestly didn't want to go on. Times that I thought it just wasn't even worth it...the pain was all that I could feel....the aching hurt was the only thing telling me that I was alive and my heart was beating. My happiness was gone. My self-worth shot. My fire for life, put out. But I don't regret those times either...
Ever felt that quiver inside, when you're really sad? That roaring in your ears that sounds like wind...it comes on when you're trying so hard not to cry, not to feel... so you clench your teeth and all you can do is feel your insides quiver and you hear the roaring like crashing waves in your head. It's a terrible feeling. It's so heartbreakingly pitiful... It's a hopeless feeling. Surrender is sweet in those times... it's the only release. I'm thankful for those moments too.
Because I found myself there.
They say all is fair in love and war.
But that is just not true. Love isn't fair. Life isn't fair.
That's just part of the deal.
Fighting just to fight will never win. Passion without trust will lead you nowhere good. And the security of having someone to love, without feeling safe to give your love to that person... will make you betray yourself. It will make you lose yourself... over and over and over again. It took many years of repeating the same lessons, for me to get it. Nights of no sleep, days filled with anger. So much sadness...and frustration for both of us. We loved each other. I know that... we will both, always love one another.
But, I was like a leaf. My colors were changing... the old me died, and a new me was born. I couldn't help it. It just happened. Desperation got me nowhere. One foot in front of the other led to running, and after that, I couldn't stop. We grew apart... and it just is what it is.
And now, here I sit...in my new place, on my couch, with my cup of coffee, spilling the beans and airing my dirty laundry. There are days when I'm scared and sad...times when I wonder if this is right... moments when I'm weak and I feel broken inside. But then, there are days when I'm so happy...happy to be alive. Proud to have grown. And excited for the future.
Life is funny that way.
Soon, I'll get back to normal. I'll write about the kids...and being a millennial mom, and share my impersonal rants and reviews and such.
But today, I just had the need to share my story. I like make-believe, but real-life is better.