I know I've been somewhat absent lately, and so, I want to take some time to catch up!
Before I get into it all though, I want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog...
When I first started Crazies & Daisies, I did it as a hobby and for an outlet... I never saw it going anywhere and put off starting it for years because of the fear of judgement...and failure...and more
Once it took off though, I started letting you guys in more and more, and you kept on reading. Y'all are my inspiration, and my motivation to keep writing.
So Thank You!
Now for the catching up... this is gonna be deep... I don't do shallow, I suck at sugar coating stuff, and most of all, I feel it is almost a calling of mine-- to be real with people. To let them in on my messy, unfiltered, unedited life.
So here goes...
Life has been full of highs and lows for the past several months. One big change that took place back in the fall, is that I moved from Texas( where I've lived most of my adult life) to Arkansas (where I'm from).
After nearly 14 years of marriage, I left my husband. It wasn't an easy decision. In fact, it was heart breaking. I guess I had just had enough...I don't know. I didn't plan it...it just happened...and once it happened, it was as if there was no looking back.
I got through the first few months by distracting myself, faking it, and praying....a lot.
I got my own place, which is out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by chicken houses
When we first came to look at the house back in September, my oldest daughter cried her eyes out and said she would never bring a friend or even her cousins to this house! It wasn't what we were used to...but I said we would take it, and I started to build a life....
As time went on, we made the house a home.
Kylie (my oldest daughter) grew to realize that it wasn't that bad, and her cousins and friends come over all the time. I got a job waitressing at a little diner about 30 minutes away... and worked my tail off several days a week. Things started to fall into place for us.
I did my best to stay busy, stay positive, and stay distracted.
It was hard.
But I found strength that I never knew I had. I was proud of myself...but I was sad too. I was sad that I had to be strong. I was sad that it had to be the way it was. I was struggling, but I hid it well. The life that I was used to...was gone. My husband, my best friend...the man I'd been loving since I was 12.... was no longer around, no longer mine, and was 600 miles away.
It hit me really hard around Thanksgiving. I remember a 2 week stint of time, where I felt so helpless and sad...the sadness consumed me.
I was mourning the death of my marriage. It died. It was dead. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. The only way I know to describe it...is as a heavy, quivering ache that spanned from my head to my heart and back again. It wouldn't let up.
Maybe I sound like a baby... but I invested so much into my marriage, into being the very best wife I knew how to be....into my family... I gave it my all...and it still wasn't enough??? Why??? FREAKING WHY. I was angry. And so so sad.
I would cry on the way to work. I cried in the bathroom at work...I cried and screamed at the top of my lungs on the way home from work...asking God... why, why God?
Then I would come home and cry in the bathtub for hours.
I didn't want the kids to know I was sad... but they did. I didn't want anyone to know I was sad. I had worked so hard to paint a picture of strength. But I just couldn't stuff it down and lie to myself anymore.
I missed my husband. I missed being a wife. I missed being a family. And there were days when the hurt raced through me so intensely that I didn't know if I would ever move on.
And I wasn't the only one who was struggling. My kids were too. They were happy on the surface, like their mom. We were all faking it. It wasn't any one thing anyone was unhappy about. It was great to be around family again... we adjusted to the new house...we had plenty of people who cared about us and loved us and supported us, but it was just so different. And we all, missed him. The little things. I missed his dirty socks in the floor. I missed his smell...and most of all, more than anything-- I missed his hugs so much. Being wrapped up in his arms... breathing in his scent... him holding me as long as I wanted, then looking into my eyes, and kissing my forehead. I missed how he got me...how he encouraged me. How he knew me like no one else. It played in my head...over and over. It seemed a tragedy to never experience that again.
I felt so broken. I wondered what the future would look like for me and the kids. I couldn't work forever as a waitress. The kids were getting behind on school work. I missed my husband ...I worried so much about my kids, and life felt unreal. Like I was living a movie. It didn't feel like my life. I had a new identity...and she was a badass...but she wasn't who I wanted to be.
I felt like a failure.
Around Christmas, Nick and I started talking again, and decided that we might as well give it one last go. We missed each other, we still loved each other, and we wanted our family to be together if that was possible.
He came to Arkansas for Christmas and spent a week. I can't begin to describe the feelings and emotions that we both experienced during that time.
It's crazy how you think things will feel, how the circumstances will play out.... and then they don't. When he pulled up in my driveway, I was waiting outside on the porch... I reached for him, and he reached for me...and we hugged and we kissed, and it felt like it had been forever and just yesterday all at once. I will never forget that night. That moment. It was heart wrenching beautiful.
But the thing is...
You can want something so much... but not know how to get it, or handle it if/when you do get it. I won't lie and say that our time together was magical...or that our marriage was healed. That's far from the truth. The resentment and pain from our time apart came up several times...we fought, we made up, and it was a roller coaster of emotions.
When he left, I felt sad. He felt sad. And I was even more unsure about how any of it was supposed to work or what the future held.
Life felt so uncertain...getting back together didn't change that. I hate uncertainty. I despise riding the fence. I would rather jump off on one side or the other...but that just wasn't an option. I wanted my marriage back, but I also needed time.
He came again after the new year... and we started working to rebuild what had been torn apart. This time, our time together was well spent, happy, good, and wonderful...It was everything I could have hoped it would be. When he left, I was already planning a trip to go see him in Texas a few weeks later.
So now, we are here. Here in Limbo. Where I seem to live. Stuck in the inbetween. But that's okay, because it's not really about the destination. Life is so much more than that. I'm forever losing myself and finding myself... falling and getting back up. Giving up, and trying again... it's a process.
So now, you know what I have been up to. My dirty laundry... that I'm sure some people will judge me for sharing...but I strive to be real with you guys...because I feel that there are enough pictures of perfection in the world. We need more real.
During the time I was moving out of my house in Texas, I had a falling out with a good friend who came along to help me. She got upset with me, and I understand why now...but at the time, I was deeply hurt that she lashed out at me when my life was falling apart.
A few days after we got back from Texas, she tried to apologize. I felt resentful and asked why she had to be so mean, when everything else in my life was falling apart, like couldn't she have just waited a few weeks, instead of freaking out on me while I was packing up a house of memoires and doing my heart was breaking?!?!
Her reply was, "As far as I'm concerned, you're sh** fell apart a long time ago."
Those words haunt me daily. But it's because they're true. The truth hurts. My life did fall apart a long time ago. But I keep getting back up. I keep striving for more...and I keep growing and learning. And although it is embarrassing for people to think that about me... at the end of the day, it's okay. Because we all fall. Everyone's crap falls apart at one point or another. I might find myself at a crossroad, or the end of the path...but I won't stay down long. I'll always get back up... no matter how many times, I fall apart. I know what I want, and I'm willing to put in the hard work to get it.
I find myself leaning on Jesus, more and more every day. Striving to see His will for my life, and asking him to guide me. I try to get up early every morning to read my Bible and have some quiet time to reflect. I have more peace, than I have experienced in a long time. I know that it's because I have welcomed the Lord back into my life. I have given up on trying to run life by myself, and asked for His help in handling everything from the smallest struggles, to the biggest worries and fears.
I trust His guidance much more than my own.
With all that being said, I'm a very flawed person. I mess up allllll the time. I can be a bit unfiltered. Have a potty mouth. I stray. I get lost. I fall apart. I do stupid things that don't reflect the kind of person I should be... but even so, I just keep coming back, and reaching out to Jesus.
My goal is to not just cling to Him when I'm going through something...but to desire Him. To choose Him. And to maintain a constant relationship...
We will be heading back to Texas next week...back to our tiny house in good ole Amarillo.
Our lives are far from conventional. But, despite the hardships, the ups and downs, the failing and falling and crying and all the judgement and shame we face... it is still beautiful...it is worth it....and I'm soaking it up.
I'm excited for the future.
I love my family...I love my husband, I love my kids. I love my friends. I love people...and I want to spread the love around, and focus on being positive, present, and tuned in.
I have much more to share with you guys....but I'll save that for the next post.
Until then...much love